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My branches sway, creaking with age.
Rooted, watching brothers fall
and rise anew.
A solemn figure sits below,
waiting, shrouded in sorrow;
ancient regrets lay buried
in his lonesome frown.

My rough bark; smoothed
from gentle wear.
His rickety back untroubled;
fitting, as he silently rests,
with coltish squirrels, dancing
carelessly about his feet.

I crane towards the sun, stretching
my twigs like knotted wooden fingers.
Alike we linger, forevermore.
Knowing only each other, kinsmen;
waiting beneath the twilight.
Secrets held between us,
from distant past.

My planter and carer,
cloaked, beneath flowing robes,
I shall protect; until
my oak trunk crumbles.
To gradually rot; feeding
brothers unravelling roots.
©2004-2009 =kwazo
:iconkwazo:

Author's Comments

I should delete this shit :/

suggested i rewrite "Alone he sits" (a poem i did ages ago) from the trees perspective. I did it once and hated the outcome, so i have just had another go using a different structure.

Critism needed please

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:icondestructionist:
"fall
and grow anew in cycle." is awkward.

Other than that it's freaking great. Very nice work.

--
-Jono-

Co-Founder and Admin of the very best at ~The-Art-of-Terragen

"'There are no atheists in foxholes' isn't an argument against atheism, it's an argument against foxholes." - James Morrow
:iconkwazo:
Thank you, I will have a look tomorrow when my eyes can stay open, caffine only works for so long :(
:icondestructionist:
Well, if it worked for an extremely long period of time I would never sleep....

--
-Jono-

Co-Founder and Admin of the very best at ~The-Art-of-Terragen

"'There are no atheists in foxholes' isn't an argument against atheism, it's an argument against foxholes." - James Morrow
:iconnikip:
ok this is just me, but i think there maybe an oppurtunity for sensual imagery? in the act of craning towards the sun, i thought it'd be nice to have a line on feeding from the sunlight? but thats just what popped into my head. once again stunning piece

--
Laughter is the language of the soul[link]

i am also a member of [link]
and [link] and [link]
:iconkwazo:
Thanks alot, I will have another look at the poem and see what will fit :)
:iconmisaniovent:
Most of your errors in this poem were punctuation errors. I also caught one grammatic error.

Here is my edit:

My branches sway, creaking with age.
Rooted, watching brothers fall
and rise anew.
The old man sits below,
waiting, shrouded in sorrow;
ancient regrets lay buried
in his lonesome frown.

My rough bark; smoothed
from his gentle wear.
His rickety back untroubled;
fitting, as he rests companionless,
other than coltish squirrels, dancing
carelessly about his feet.

I crane towards the sun, watching
another day glide by; unnoticed.
Alike we linger, forevermore.
Knowing only each other, kinsmen;
waiting beneath the twilight.
Secrets held between us,
from distant past.


Now about the poem . . .

The poem is quite interesting, and it tells an interesting story. It has a melancholic feel to it; I interpreted it as a tale of an ancient tree watching its companion age and fade away.

What makes this so sad is the truth that the tree will see many more humans die in its lifetime.

Lovely.

--
Hide the past!
:iconkwazo:
Thank you very much for your corrections, I often have punctuation trouble so that's extremely helpful.
:iconmisaniovent:
You're welcome.

--
Hide the past!
:iconpushitonme:
i personally wouldn't describe the man as old. i would say maybe "and he sits below"... or just "a man sits below". it makes it a little more mysterious that way, as if it could be any of us instead of some old dude.

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April 16, 2004
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